Post by Admin on Aug 25, 2003 2:54:06 GMT
It has now gone three in the morning. For the past seven hours, I've been held hostage in my home by two boys, aged seven and four. I couldn't move beyond their field of vision, I had to explain why I wanted to do anything. Apart from 'you can't go outside', 'you can't go to bed cause you're an adult' and 'you can't go to sleep cause then nobody will be looking after us', they can say the most wonderful things, like
Him: I fixed it.
Me: Was it broken?
Him: No.
Me: And you fixed it?
Him: Oh.
I swear by Almighty God they were taking it in turns sleeping. Shift sleepers, I like to say. One sleeps, the other one stays awake. I did try to get them both to go to sleep together. It's bloody difficult.
By 12.30 I'm getting tired. I sigh "I think you're gonna have to hit him" as I place a hand over my eyes, and as I do so I hear this thud!. Looking back quickly, "I didn't mean it" is all I can say to prevent any more fists landing on arms.
Go forward two hours and we're looking out the window for passing cars. A car drives past about once every fifteen minutes and we've been doing this for the past hour and a half.
Oh, yes, and the nightmare of explaining where babies come from without actually saying how exactly.
Him: I don't want babies.
Me: You don't want babies.
Him: Not inside me.
Me: That's not going to you, that's not going to happen to me.
Him: My wife can have them.
Me (showing no concern that a seven year old has a wife): Well, she's allowed to have babies.
Him: Why is she allowed and not me?
Me: Because she's a girl.
Him: Why can only girls have babies?
Me: Because... girls are special.
Him: Girls aren't special.
Me: Experience agrees.
Things I have been ordered by my captors to find out:
1: How long it takes to run to Scotland (that I will not be finding out for myself!)
2: Do spiders put salt on flies before they eat them, and do spiders drink fly blood.
3: Are burglars scared of people.
My advice on burglars is stand at the top of the stairs and shout down, 'My name is Tony Martin, you've got five seconds to leave!'.
Phew! I'm cream crackered.
And the most amusing thing I've heard all week is that I've lost weight. Funny because this comment was made by someone I've not seen in three years, and the last time she saw me I was a stone and a bit under the recommended weight for my age and height.
Him: I fixed it.
Me: Was it broken?
Him: No.
Me: And you fixed it?
Him: Oh.
I swear by Almighty God they were taking it in turns sleeping. Shift sleepers, I like to say. One sleeps, the other one stays awake. I did try to get them both to go to sleep together. It's bloody difficult.
By 12.30 I'm getting tired. I sigh "I think you're gonna have to hit him" as I place a hand over my eyes, and as I do so I hear this thud!. Looking back quickly, "I didn't mean it" is all I can say to prevent any more fists landing on arms.
Go forward two hours and we're looking out the window for passing cars. A car drives past about once every fifteen minutes and we've been doing this for the past hour and a half.
Oh, yes, and the nightmare of explaining where babies come from without actually saying how exactly.
Him: I don't want babies.
Me: You don't want babies.
Him: Not inside me.
Me: That's not going to you, that's not going to happen to me.
Him: My wife can have them.
Me (showing no concern that a seven year old has a wife): Well, she's allowed to have babies.
Him: Why is she allowed and not me?
Me: Because she's a girl.
Him: Why can only girls have babies?
Me: Because... girls are special.
Him: Girls aren't special.
Me: Experience agrees.
Things I have been ordered by my captors to find out:
1: How long it takes to run to Scotland (that I will not be finding out for myself!)
2: Do spiders put salt on flies before they eat them, and do spiders drink fly blood.
3: Are burglars scared of people.
My advice on burglars is stand at the top of the stairs and shout down, 'My name is Tony Martin, you've got five seconds to leave!'.
Phew! I'm cream crackered.
And the most amusing thing I've heard all week is that I've lost weight. Funny because this comment was made by someone I've not seen in three years, and the last time she saw me I was a stone and a bit under the recommended weight for my age and height.
