Classic Quotes Thread

[pðtù§]

I think every WW website I've seen has a quotes thread, so this site can have one too.

Leo "Seventeen across. Yes. Seventeen across is wrong. You’re spelling his name wrong. What’s my name? My name doesn’t matter. I’m just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I’m telling you, I’ve met with the man twice, and I’ve recommended a preemptive Exocet Missile attack against his airforce. So, I think I know how to-"
CJ "Leo!"
Leo [He looks at the phone, then hangs up] "They hang up on me. Every time."
CJ "That’s almost hard to believe."


Toby "Mrs. Landingham, does the president have free time this morning?"
Mrs. Landingham "The president has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you?"
Toby "Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham."
Mrs. Landingham "What age would that be, Toby?"
Toby "Late twenties?"
Mrs. Landingham "Atta boy."


Sam "Have you ever tried to overthrow the government?"
Charlie "No, sir."
Sam "What the hell's been stopping you?"


Reporter "CJ, I'm curious about the President's farm in Manchester. The property value increased seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. What's that due to?"
CJ "Secret Service improvements."
Reporter "Can you go into detail please?"
CJ "The property now includes a helipad and the ability to run a global war from the sun porch."


And all these from one of the best pre-credit sequences:

Josh "Are his glands swollen?"
CJ "Damn."
Josh "What?"
CJ "You know what I forgot to do today?"
Josh "What?"
CJ "I forgot to feel the president's glands."

Bartlet "And I see we're spelling 'hallowed' with a pound sign in the middle."
Sam "We'll fix that."
Bartlet "The pound sign is silent?"

Bartlet "I came to this hall#owed chamber one year ago on a mission: to restore the American Dream for all our people, as we gaze at the vast horizon of possibilities open to us in the 321st century. Wow, that was ambitious of me, wasn't it?"

Bartlet "We meant 'stronger' here, right?"
Sam "What does it say?"
Bartlet "I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago?"
Sam "That's a typo."
Bartlet "Could go either way."

Bartlet "I'm taking pills, CJ."
CJ "Are you actually taking them or are you just carrying them around in your pocket?"
Bartlet "You know carrying them around in my pocket was a pretty big step for me."

Toby "You don't look so good."
Bartlet "Well, I'm gazing in the 321st century, man. There's a lot on my mind."


Those are all from S1, I stole them off a website to prevent me getting RSI

[pðtù§]

From S1 finale:

Bartlet "You're not going to spoil my good time for me."
Mrs. Landingham "Oh, sir, I think we both know from experience that's not true."
Bartlet "Yeah."
Mrs. Landingham "You need to be in the car ten minutes ago, Mr. President."
Bartlet "Do you see me walking out the door?"
Mrs. Landingham "No, I see you standing and arguing with a senior citizen."

[spike]

Josiah Bartlet: I like how you call homosexuality an abombination.
Jenna Jacobs: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President, the Bible does.
Josiah Bartlet: Yes, it does. Leviticus.
Jenna Jacobs: 18:22.
Josiah Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophmore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it OK to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you?


Sam Seaborn: I accidentally slept with a call girl.
Toby Ziegler: Accidentally? Did you trip over something?


President Josiah Bartlet: Just remember these two things: she's nineteen years old, and the 82nd Airborne works for me.


[The President neglected a formality transferring executive power before going into surgery]
Margaret: Can I just say something for the future? *I* can sign the president's name. I've got his signature down pretty good.
Leo McGarry: You can sign the president's name?
Margaret: Yeah!
Leo McGarry: On a document removing him from power and giving it to someone else?
Margaret: Yeah! Or do you think the White House Counsel would say that's a bad idea?
Leo McGarry: I think the White House Counsel would say that's a Coup D'Etat!
Margaret: I'd probably end up doing some time for that.
Leo McGarry: I would think! And what the hell are you doing practicing the president's signature?
Margaret: It's just for fun!
Leo McGarry: We've got separation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret, vetoing things and sending them back to the hill!


President Josiah Bartlet: Decisions are made by those who show up.


Leo McGarry: He's a klutz, Mrs. Landingham, your president's a geek!


President Josiah Bartlet: you know that line you're not supposed to cross with the president?
C.J. Cregg: I'm coming up to it?
President Josiah Bartlet: No,no look behind you


C.J. Cregg: The more photo-friendly of the two turkeys gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's petting zoo; the other one gets eaten.
President Josiah Bartlet: If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch.


C.J. Cregg: In the following days we'll be meeting with the Reverend Al Caldwell, members of the Beijing Embassy and INS agents. The President has asked Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborn to run these meetings so it's entirely possible that by week's end we will have alienated Christians, China and our own government.

[Joey Lucas]

Most of my favorite quotes come from Celestial Navigation coz it's one of my fav episodes, my fav quote from this episode is set as my signiture at the bottom.

Everytime I watch Noel i'm in tears when Leo is talking to Josh at the end saying:

“This guy’s walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can’t get out.
A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, ‘Hey, you, can you help me out?’ The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

“Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up, ‘Father, I’m down in this hole! Can you help me out?’ The priest writes a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

“Then a friend walks by. ‘Hey, Joe, it’s me! Can you help me out?’ And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, ‘Are you nuts? Now we’re both down here!’
“The friend says, ‘Yeah, but I’ve been down here before - and I know the way out’ "

[pðtù§]

This one is from S4, ep 16.... one of those comedy eps:

Bartlet (on phone, yelling) "Tell those poncey hairdressers I'm gonna shove a loaf of bread up their...."

He's referring to the French

[pðtù§]

Some more for the collection:

Leo: We spent millions of dollars developing a pen that could write in space. Do you know what the Russians did?
Josh: Used a pencil?
Leo: Used a pencil.



CJ: Excuse me, Toby, I was just heading out for lunch and I'm a little short. You wouldn't happen to have $125,000 I could borrow, would you?


Sam: What can I do for you, Bob?
Bob: In a nutshell?
Sam: So to speak.
Bob: We'd like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs.
Sam: Are we paying any attention at all right now?
Bob: No.
Sam: Thank God.

Sam: There are levels and an order to our air defense command, and to jump from a radar officer to the Commander in Chief would skip several of those levels.
Bob: Like what?
Sam: Like the Pentagon, and, you know, perhaps therapy.


Bartlet : "It sucked."
Abby : "You're talking about church."
Bartlet : "Oh, like I'm not already going to hell."


Leo : "We've got to meet with Albie."
Bartlet : "He's going to scold me. He's been at the State Department since Truman. He thinks I'm a kid and that he outranks me."
Leo : "You'll be fine."
Bartlet : "I've got to tell him I lost a submarine. Can I make something up like say 'what if a friend of mine hypothetically...'"

[DarkHoarse]

I mean there are so many you could do this forever. I am particularly fond of this one because it's from my favourite episode in season 3 and refers back to both my favourite episode of season 2 and my second favourite episode of season 1:

Josh (to Leo): You know why I'm gonna help you, don't you?
Leo: Because you're walking around with so much guilt about those you love dying that you've become a compulsive fixer?
Josh: No, it's cause there's a man walking along and he sees his friend in a hole.

(Bartlet For America, apologies if there's a slight misquote at the end)

[FDR]

If we had a thread for favourite scenes, I'd have to include the opener for The Crackpots and These Women where theyre all (except Leo and many others) are playing basketball.

toby: it isn't so much that you cheat, sir, it's how brazenly bad you are at it.
potus: I beg your pardon?

[Joey Lucas]

Another of my favourite quotes is from S3 when Bartlet is on the phone to the Butterball Hotline.

It's a long one though:

WOMAN
[on speaker] Hello, welcome to the Butterball Hotline.

Bartlet runs to the phone.

TOBY
What the hell is...

BARTLET
Shhhh. Hello!!

WOMAN
[on speaker] How can I help you, sir?

BARTLET
Well, first let me say, I think this is a wonderful service you provide.

Toby comes closer.

WOMAN
Well, thank you. May I have your name please?

BARTLET
I'm a citizen.

WOMAN
I'm sure you are, sir, but if I have your name I can put your comment in our customer feedback form.

BARTLET
[sighs] I'm Joe Betherson...sen. That's one 't', and with an 'h' in there.

WOMAN
And your address?

BARTLET
Fargo.

WOMAN
Your street address, please?

Bartlet looks at Toby desperately.

TOBY
[picks up another phone, into it] Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota, right now. [hangs up]

BARTLET
[with evident strain] My street address is 114... 54 Pruder Street, and it's very important
that you put 'street' down there because sometimes it gets confused with Pruder Way and
Pruder Lane. Apartment 23 R... Fargo, North Dakota...

Charlie walks in with a piece of paper, Bartlet grabs it.

BARTLET
Zip code 50504.

WOMAN
Thank you. Your voice sounds very familiar to me.

BARTLET
I do radio commercials for... products.

WOMAN
And how can I help you?

BARTLET
[sits down] Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?

WOMAN
It can also be baked in the casserole dish.

BARTLET
Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we?Toby sits down and puts his
hand under his chin.

WOMAN
I suppose.

BARTLET
If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying
that's necessarily a deal-breaker.

WOMAN
Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are salmonella and camplyobacter jejuna.

BARTLET
All right. Well, first of all, I think you made the second bacteria up, and second of all,
how do I avoid it?

Toby and Charlie smile.

WOMAN
Make sure all the ingredients are cooked first. Sauté any vegetables, fried sausage, oysters, etc.

BARTLET
Excellent! Let's talk temperature.

WOMAN
One hundred and sixty-five degrees.

BARTLET
No, see, I was testing you! The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked to an internal temperature
of 180 to 185 degrees.

WOMAN
Yes, sir, I was talking about the stuffing which you want to cook to 165 to avoid health risks.

BARTLET
Okay. Good testing!

WOMAN
Do you have an accurate thermometer?

BARTLET
Oh yeah. It was presented to me as a gift from the personal sous chef to the king of...
[Toby raises his hand.] auto sales in...

TOBY
[whispering] Fargo.

BARTLET
Fargo. Phil Baharnd. The man can sell a car like... well, like anything.

WOMAN
Very good, sir. You have a good Thanksgiving!

BARTLET
And you do, too. Thanks a lot! [hangs up the phone, stands up] That was excellent!
We should do that once a week.

[pðtù§]

From S4, on the subject of Zoey's new boyfriend, the French pillock Jean Paul:

Bartlet: My daughter has a boyfriend who is better looking than my wife.

[DarkHoarse]

Three marvellous Toby moments from the same episode, said to the same person, just to show what a depth of characterisation goes into this prog:

"This is a perfect metaphor. When the historians come to write the legend of Josiah Bartlet, let them decree that his better angels were always shouted down by his obsessive need to win!"

"It was Steffi Graf, sir! It was Steffi Graf, you crazy maniac! Do you think I'm not going to recognise Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?"

"Tell you what though, sir. In a battle between a president's demons and his better angels, for the first time in a long time, I think we may have ourselves a fair fight."

From (quoting another thread) "the one that makes you fall hopelessly in love with every character".

[madcap]

Anything by Toby really.................but specifically

Josh : "Come quick, Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl"

Toby : "Ginger, bring popcorn"

or

Toby : "Tawny, the Budweiser Clydesdales couldn't drag my ass to Picasso or Monet"

A role model if ever there was one.

[DarkHoarse]

for newer members who may not have seen this

bump

[Shibboleth]

Two by Lionel Tribbey that made me laugh:-

Lionel Tribbey: LEO! I will kill people today, Leo. I will kill people with this cricket bat which was given to me by her Royal Majesty Elizabeth of Windsor and then I will kill them again with my own hands.

Lionel: What are you looking at?
Sam: I'm... nothing. I'm not... nothing! Except it's from "Pinafore."
Lionel: It's from "Penzance."
Sam: I hate to stick my head in the lion's mouth, but I gotta ask you, were you the recording secretary of the Princeton Gilbert and Sullivan society for two years?
Lionel: No, but then again I'm not a woman.
Sam: So, I'm just saying...
Lionel: Little drinks I'm supposed to be having right now, umbrellas sticking out of them. Shishkebab!

I think this must the most memorable Leo quote, it has humour and shows his respect and loyalty:-

Leo: Okay. Well, I'll just call the President and suggest to him that he allow a huge bipartisan vote on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives calling him a liar and that he welcome the result. Then, I'm going to flap my wings and fly to Neverland... You think I am so desperate to save my ass I'm going to roll over on Jed Bartlet? I take a bullet for the President. He doesn't take one for me.

Two Josh / C.J moments:-

C.J.: I'm assigning a intern from the press office to that web site. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you've been there I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass... What?!
Josh: Well, technically I outrank you.
C.J.: So far up your ass!!!

Josh: I really think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista!
Whoah, that was way too far.
C.J.: No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitistist Harvard fascist missed-the-dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jack-ass!
Josh: Feel better gettin' that off your chest there, C.J.?
C.J.: I'm a whole new woman.
Josh: You look like a million bucks, by the way.
C.J.: Don't try to make up with me.

[Admin]

From Galileo

LEO: (to Josh) What are you smiling at?
JOSH: Toby got the stamp assignment.
TOBY: Leo, I'm gonna need some help.
LEO: (to Toby) Take Josh.
TOBY: (to Josh) Congratulations, your choosing the next stamp.
JOSH: (to himself) Wow, that happened fast.


From The Leadership Breakfast

BARTLET: Who was the idiot that set off the smoke alarm last night?
JOSH: Sounds a lot like you're talking about Sam.
SAM: We're you inconvenienced, Sir?
BARTLET: They had me on the Truman balcony for six minutes in my underwear.
SAM: Was it cold?
BARTLET: In January? No, why do you ask?


LEO: Stop calling them rules, they're guidlines.
TOBY: Margaret, what does it say at the top?
MARGARET: Rules for bi-partisan breakfast.
LEO: (to Margaret) I keep meaning to fire you.